I miss my people. On a regular basis, I miss my sisters, my brother, and their families. I miss my husband. I love and miss him terribly. I miss my daughter, Amanda.

I miss sitting around the dinner table talking about school days and laughing about the crazy stories my children would tell me. I miss listening to Amanda singing in the shower.

I miss listening to a bunch of kids in my car talking and laughing and smelling like sweaty dogs. Alix and her friends sneaking out with rolls of toilet paper. Fights over who has to take showers, and who will have to sleep on the floor during a sleep over. I miss the secrets, and confessions. I actually miss the nights I’d travel from room to room, talking out the drama,  wiping tears,  putting out emotional fires, and reassuring little girls with anxiety that Pinnochio will not break through an upstairs window on his motorcycle, and Michael Jackson is not living in the heater vent. I can honestly tell you I never thought I’d miss those nights but I do. I miss laying with little girls until they fell asleep, because giving them the numbers and logical odds of a home invasion burglary weren’t good enough. (I’m telling you, that’s the tip of that iceberg)

I miss brownie meetings, bible studies, youth groups, and women’s studies. I miss my friends.

I miss my life being in place and everything having a spot. I miss order. I miss purpose.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to feel motivated. I’m not unhappy, I’m unmotivated. I miss team work. I miss having to show up.

I miss laughing every day. Children make you cry a lot but the laughing, it’s so incredible.

You guys, how hard is it to stay motivated when no one really cares if you do or not? I consider myself a very self-driven person, but this is getting really hard for me to want to do anything.

I just took a break from writing this and walked around the house, finding a couple of things I can do today. Really, that’s how it’s done, right? Just take a walk. One step, then another? Making a decision to do?

I’ll go and turn on some music that reminds me of where I came from, and my loves. I’ll get lost in my day. Getting just a couple more things checked off the list so when my husband comes to see me in March he can be surprised by more changes.

I’ll be motivated by the future, and what’s just around the corner. Trying all the time to muster up a feeling of urgency to finish this house. “I only have a year!” “Steve is coming soon!” “As soon as I finish this!”

“Then, I’ll take a shower…”

-_-