This week has really been a struggle for me. I feel like all the work and all the moving and all the being responsible is really getting to me. I need something and I don’t even know what it is.
Monday, Emma started public school again after being homeschooled by me for the last three years. She’s doing great and it made me feel really normal taking her to school. But it’s different. Everything is different.
My house is different, from my dishes to my silverware, to my clothes, and neighbors, church, and especially the fact I’m not even living with my husband.
It seems I was doing so well with all the changes, but I’m actually starting to lose myself in it. I feel alone, and I feel lost. It may also be because so many of my family relationships have changed over the last two to four years. Family as I’ve known it has been completely turned upside down. It seemed ok because my little core family remained the same until I moved here and left my husband and middle daughter behind, thus causing even more displacement. It’s just a really weird time.
This morning I dropped Emma off and ran to the grocery store on the way home. As I was unloading the stuff I bought, I started feeling better. I decided to give myself a break as I began to realize what I have been missing. I remembered that I love living by a schedule. If you remember, I schedule all my activities by a calendar. Lately, I’ve just been living from day to day, hoping to get stuff done. I know I can’t do that. I need goals and a plan. I need to know I’m going to go grocery shopping on a certain day and buy certain things and organize them certain way. I’ve been living by the seat of my pants and in total disruption for almost two years. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not who I am.
I need to make time to blog, to create and to engage my family. I need to make time to make friends. I’ve turned down at least four invites in the last month, and I’m not glad I did. I need to live during all the life building I’m doing. But on the other hand I’m really struggling with living in total disarray. Have you been here? How did you solve it?
My only plan at this point is to push on through to this weekend, and I’ll take Saturday off to spend with Emma. I am just going to bring in boxes and start finding my real life in them. I’ll see if I can’t get on a schedule that makes me feel like myself and go from there.
I feel a little like I’m failing. However, I’ve gotten great support from my family and their reminders make me feel successful. It’s just hard making dreams come true, and nothing worth having or doing is easy.