This week I’ve been packing. I’ll start bringing boxes to the ranch in May. I’ll only be there a couple of days before I need to get back here for Emma’s end of school and the rest of our appointments. Then, Back to the ranch with more boxes and a month and half of painting and decorating. I’m starting to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
As I was packing paper work I found this picture I drew. It was our dream ranch. As soon as we went into escrow I started planning our family compound. My oldest daughter would have her little house, and my middle daughter would have the other house. All three houses would surround a garden and fire pit where we would meet in the mornings for coffee before we went to work in the barn studio. The worst part is, everyone was on board! I say it’s the worst part because we lost this ranch. Another buyer came in and bought it out from under us with a cash offer, and we were still under selling our house.
The dream was gone. We were heart broken. We even took our house off the market and waited about six months to put it back up for sale. During the time it took for us to get it back on the market, sell it, and move into our rental, our people lost interest in a family compound.
We decided to buy the property that was best for us, knowing we wouldn’t be able to build little houses and a studio barn. Our ranch was over 200,000.00 more than the original one. This meant we’d only be able to fix up the main house.
Finding this drawing brought me back to the feelings and excitement I had back then. It reminded me of how sad I was when it all fell apart.
That’s the problem with dreaming; there is always potential for heart break. My heart has been broken in every area of my life. In dreaming, loving, parenting, professionally, and in life plans. Sometimes I wonder why I keep dreaming.
For me, it’s like an addiction. I just can’t stop believing. I can’t stop dreaming. It’s a choice, and I choose to keep doing it.
I visually see myself standing on the edge of a cliff, holding my arms back with my face pointed up to the sun and jumping off. I’ve smacked the ground pretty hard so many times that I don’t even care anymore. I’ll just get back up there and do it again. I know that about myself. I never want to stop jumping! Because of the times I don’t hit the ground, and all the wonderful things that actually DO happen, I keep dreaming. I believe that if it can happen for some, it can happen for me.
What’s the purpose of living if we don’t keep trying to make our dreams come true?
I do and will keep being vulnerable each time my dreams break, because they can’t all break. I keep opening my heart after each heart break because sometimes it wont get broken and the love of the relationship is worth it to me.
Trust me, I’ve grieved. I’ve even walked away from dreams, people, and things I’ve wanted. Part of being intentional is knowing what you really need and who really matters. These are the things that keep me climbing to the top of that cliff. Jumping is my favorite.