Life is tough sometimes, right? I mean, there are days when really bad things happen. We have events in our lives that can be devastating, like the loss of a loved one or news of a terrible illness. I’ve been through times in my life where I was so heartbroken, I never thought I’d recover. When these sort of things happen I tend to be very strong, and I usually solve the problem. I can take charge of what needs to be done. I’m a doer and problem solver, and when things hit the big fan I’m your girl!
What I don’t do well with is the day in and day out problems that slowly build up and pile on top of each other. I call it the tap dance, or running on the hamster wheel. Like Tuesday, a guinea pig is sick. Wednesday, the other one is sick. Thursday, one daughter has some type of illness. Friday, a large bill comes in the mail. Saturday, A child wants to do a different sport that will need to be changed and called in. Sunday, the large glass window broke. Monday, school needs to be done, but I have a dentist appointment. I find out I have to get a tooth pulled and it will leave a hole in my jaw forever, it’s ok… Tuesday, something is going wrong in my extended family. Wednesday, a guinea pig has something else wrong. Wait! Are there ants in the pig’s food?
I’m never alone except for when I’m in the shower, but when I’m in there I notice the water is hot and cold and all over the place… What’s wrong with it? Do I have to pay to get it fixed, will we ever sell our house, will our plan come to pass? Will we really move away, will the girls go? Will we really be able to afford it? Shoot, I have to get the 20,000.00 wall fixed! I need to write, I can’t write. I’m so busy in my head worrying about every single thing. No time to work through it all, because again, I’m never alone. Dr.’s appointments, dentist appointments, surgeries people need… Planning, thinking, waiting, solving, fixing, doing, making, writing, cleaning… Dang it! I still haven’t written my thank you notes for Christmas! Oh, Christmas, I never sent cards.
This is where I fail. I get overwhelmed. I get crabby. I get short and tired and I withdraw into myself. I don’t know how to get through it but I always do. I have got to find the time to work out and go run. I need to wear headphones, listen to music, and get lost in my head. I need to breathe, and pray and find a quiet day or two. I know I don’t work, and I don’t have anywhere I have to go. However, as a mother and wife and someone who stays home full time, everything in the family rests on me. They aren’t just people at the workplace that I don’t even have to like. It’s all of my closest people. The people who look at me for love, comfort, and hope that it’s all going to be ok. As women who stay home and run the place we carry a lot for people we love, because we love them. Because it’s our job. I don’t want it to be different, I just wish sometimes it was as easy as all the other jobs I’ve had.