Last night I went to dinner with my BFF Kim. We met up at The Cheesecake Factory for salads and conversation that there is just never enough time for. Seriously, we could talk for days and days and it wouldn’t be enough time. Anyway, It came time to leave and we made the all important stop at the bathroom on the way out. Something happens to me in the bathroom that makes me so insanely crazy but I forget about it as soon as I walk out the door. This time I made a note of it in my phone so I could remember to share my biggest pet peeve with you. Heaven knows you wouldn’t want to miss out on it.

I’m telling you, it is so annoying, my daughters would tell you I hate it because all I do when I’m in the bathroom is complain about it. AUTOMATIC BATHROOM FIXTURES! Look, I grew up in the 70’s, I like doing things for my self. I do not need the toilet to flush for me and I don’t need some invisible source to turn the water on and off while I’m washing my hands.

Over the last decade I’ve really tried to work on my control issues. Really, I’ve let a ton of things go, but can I just please be in control of when my toilet flushes, turning on and off the water, or taking a paper towel when I want. Please, just give me this.

First of all, how many times does the toilet have to flush before I even sit down? My favorite part is when I finally get the seat cover on the toilet just the way I like it (yes, I’m particular) but when I turn around to sit down, the toilet flushes the cover right off the toilet! So, I start again. I make it, I sit down. I’m warning you right now, do not bend forward for any reason at this point because the toilet will flush while you’re on it. Eeww, just eeww. Let’s just say all this prior flushing doesn’t occur and you make it on and through your experience without any problems. How many times do you stand up and the toilet flushes when it should, just to turn around and see the seat cover still sitting on the seat staring you in the face as though it survived a certain death of drowning. What the heck?! Now you have to figure out where the flushing sensor is by waving your hand around or dancing trying to make it respond because everyone knows you cannot leave that paper thing on the seat. Eeww, again. Now, after all is said and done you’ve flushed the toilet six times and start asking yourself why we could possibly have a water shortage. All the while, I’m in the stall saying out loud, “What? Are you kidding me? What the heck?” or “Come on stupid thing!”

Then I get to wash my hands. I linger under the soap dispenser while hoping for a plop of foam. Please foam, come out onto my hand. I wave my hand around a little trying not to lose it, because I’m already pretty crabby from my fight with the toilet. It happens, I have soap and I’m in action sudsing up! Now it’s time to rinse the soap but unfortunately I can’t seem to put my hand in the right place to get the water to come out of the faucet. Oh, it’s broken? Ok, I’ll just move to the next one… I begin again on the next faucet and finally find the spot my hand has to be in to start the water flowing. However, as soon as I start moving my hands around to rinse off the soap the water stops because I’m now out of the sensor’s view. I find the spot again, water starts again and I do this dance a few times until the soap is finally gone. All the while I’m talking to myself out loud about how I want to just do it myself!

Next up, trying to coax a paper towel out of the dispenser. I wave at it, “Hi!” wave, wave. “May I please have one of you?” “Hi!” I wave some more. And more, and more until a half of paper towel slides out in a wrinkled folded sliver. So I grab it and make it work to half-dry off my hands. As I walk out of the bathroom emotionally exhausted, and thanking the whole bathroom for all the help I can hear the paper towel dispenser rolling out four paper towels and the sound of a toilet flushing just one last time.