This morning I was working out in the garage and took a break to look at Instagram. My youngest and oldest daughters had posted on their stories about the fact that it is my middle daughter’s birthday today. I just looked at all the photos of the three of them together, and as I was looking, my music started playing Harry Styles’ song Sweet Creature. Could it get anymore emotional? My beautiful women love each other so terribly, wonderfully, and intensely. I LOVE them.
Amanda, whose birthday it is, just moved back to California this month. I have been really strong about it until this morning, when I just sat in the garage and cried. As I cried, all of my heart ache from the last year started to flood my heart. I was just sitting on the weight bench crying.
I began thinking about all the things I’ve lost in the last year. At the very least, I lost a guinea pig and two birds. They just died. Then, I lost Winston, my bunny who I tried for 11 months and thousands of dollars to save.
But the most difficult loss for me is my husband. He and I separated this spring.
I realize this will be shocking to many of the people who know us. We are and have always been an amazing team. From the outside we have probably looked like the perfect couple. Well, no one is, and we certainly are not.
I feel incredibly blessed that he is the kind of man he is. He is so good to the girls and me, and continues to provide and care for us. He is making sure we all have what we need, and he and I have an amazing working relationship. But right now, I really need to get my working life back on tract so I can begin to support myself and build my own future.
Needless to say, when the crying starts, it can open up several layers of sadness. I wont even mention the stress of what’s happening in our world and country right now. But I will say this, sometimes life gets pretty shitty. Sometimes life gets really hard and almost unbearable. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I always tell the truth. I’ve never been one to pretend I’m amazing or make you think I have it all together. I’m not going to start now.
Right now, I’m kind of broken.
However, tomorrow is coming. It always does. It’s ok to be sad, and It’s ok to spend a day crying over lost pets, lost people, lost dreams. It’s totally ok and good for us to really dig in and wallow over every heart ache. But at some point we need to get back into the game. At some point we need to take a shower, brush our hair, and put our shoes on. We may need to crawl back into bed a couple more times, but let’s not stay there, ok?
Today I’m going to move forward. I’m going to make some plans for my future and I’m going to accomplish some things I promised myself I would.
Last weekend I stood at Emma’s bedroom door and said, “Yay… it’s the first day of the rest of my life..” Super cheesy and actually very sarcastic at the time, but it really is true.
Today really IS the first day of the rest of my life. Isn’t it like that for all of us?
Let’s put on our shoes.